To be on the Safe Side

保证没走错

In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up， makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer.

在一家电影院里，一名观众在演出期间站了起来，沿着他那排位子走到休息室去了。

A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:

几分钟后，他回到那排位子并问坐在首位的那位男士道：

"Excuse me， was it your foot I stepped on w

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What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women.”

严格遵守财经纪律。去年，我不折不扣地执行了工资、奖金等主营收入悉数上交，再由夫人回拨零用钱的收支两条线政策，其余副业收入纳入预算资金管理，向夫人打报告审批使用，在过去的一年中，由于我财经纪律做到了不截留挪用，不挤占乱花，不隐瞒收入，不设小金库，使夫人总揽大权的地位得到了进一步巩固，家庭收入管理规范，资金专项使用。

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a young businessman had just started his business， and rented a beautiful office. sitting there， he saw a man come into the outer office.

一个年轻人刚刚开始做生意，就租了一个漂亮的办公室。一天，他坐在办公室里，看到有一个人在外面

wishing to appear busy， the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. he threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

于是他就装作生意很忙的样子，拿起电话胡吹乱侃，还不停的甩出几个大

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公园的椅子上坐着一位老妇人，一个小孩子走过来。

“婆婆，您的牙还行吗？”

“已经不行了，都掉了。”

于是小孩子拿出一包胡桃，说：“请您替我拿一拿，我去打球。”

夜里，4岁的弗兰茨躺在床上。他请求母亲：“妈妈，给我一只苹果吧”

“孩子，太晚了，苹果已经睡觉了。”

“不，小的也许睡下了，大的肯定还没睡哩”

小吉姆在一条轮船上当服务员。一天早上，他在轮船上送中饭时问道：“船长，我可以问您一个问题吗？”

“当然可以。小家伙。”

船长注意到小吉姆激动的样子。

“什么问题？”

“有一样东西，要是你知道它在什么地方，算不算丢了？”

小吉姆问。

“当然不算。”

船长说。

“这么说，您的咖啡壶没有丢掉，因为我知道它在什么地方

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private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

"You can take your choice， private - one month‘s restriction or twenty day‘s pay，" said the officer.

"All right， sir，" said the bright soldier， "I‘ll take the money.”

The Doctor Knows Better

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed， said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor， Hearing this， the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet， "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"

1．What the fuck is going on?（到底他妈的怎么回事?）

通常此话出于黑人之口，且口气最宜为疑惑，不解，愤怒等等。

若是白人则多数时候会说-What the hell is going on?

意义相同而适用于更多场合。

说此话之人身份通常为上级，且相处较久。

不过如果你出差回家时看见老婆身边躺着个赤条条的陌生人，那它可就派上大用场了！

2．You son of bitch！

（你个狗娘养的！）

令人意外的是，最爱说这句话的往往是女性。

越高贵，越端庄的女性越容易在压力达到一定值时便会脱口而出。

万万不要和有文化的MM顶嘴，否则被骂了还以为受表扬了呢！

3．All rise！

（全体起立！）

国产英语老师最

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At auction spot， someone has lost a bag， in which has the vital document.

The owner says， "Once who picked it up brings it to me， I will take out 200 dollars to remunerate reward him or her."

On hearing the news， another chap（小伙子，家伙） shouts out:" I reward 300 dollars."

拍卖会上，有人的包丢了，里面装有重要文件。物主说：“有谁拣到送还，我将拿出200美元以表酬谢。”

话刚出口，就听有人喊：“我出300美元。”

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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool， Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.……

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The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s.Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s.I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. "You'll never believe this one， " I told him." I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in th

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an you tell me what fish net is made， Ann?

你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安? 老师发问道。

A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.

把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。 小女孩回答道。

The Right LegProctor（exceedingly angry）：“So you confess that this unfortunate freshman was carried to this frog pond and drenched？Now what part did you take in this disgraceful affair？”

Soph．（meekly）：“The right leg，sir．”

学监（非常生气）：“现在你承认这可怜的新生被扔进这蛙池里，浑身湿透？那么你在这不光彩的事情里扮演了什么角色呢？”

二年级学生（恭顺地）：“右腿，先生。”

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One day， Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him， "You got all your homework right this time， Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"

"No， sir. He was too busy last night， so I had to do it all myself，" said Tim.

一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的

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Three Men in a Boat

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks， cast lines and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

"Oh yes， " he said. "They are my friends.

"In that cas

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Little Johnny says "Mom， when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning，小强尼说：“妈妈，今天早上和爸爸在公车上时，he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

他叫我让座给一位女士。”

"You've done the right thing，" says Mommy.

妈妈说：“你做得很对呀。”

"But Mommy， I was sitting on daddy's lap."

“但是，妈妈，我是坐在爸爸膝盖上的。”

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Mother asked her little boy， Darling， what did the teacher teach you today?

Nothing， Mum， answered the son proundly， instead， she asked me how much one plus two was， and I told her three.

母亲问她年幼的儿子：宝贝，今天老师教了你些什么？

儿子骄傲地说：什么都没教，妈妈。她反倒问我一加二等于几，我告诉她等于三。

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Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut.

麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time.

但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。

While Miles was at the barber's one day，一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.

经理

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Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

"Look，" said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

"Yes，" said the younger， "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained， "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮

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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime， the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother nudged him and said， "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To whic

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