Walking up to a department store's fabric（织物，布） counter， the pretty girl said， "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard，" replied the male clerk with a smirk（假笑，傻笑） . "That's fine，" said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his fa

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A husband， proving to his wife that women talk more than men， showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15，000 words a day， whereas women use 30，000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said， "What?”

The First parent

by Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control， you can take comfort from the thought that even God‘s omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating Heaven and Earth， God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don‘t.”

"Don‘t what?"， Adam replied.

"Don‘t eat the forbidden fruit.”

"Forbidden fruit? Really?

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Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said， You know， since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft（阁楼） and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise， spray， cats----nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said， Yes， me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry（钟楼） and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumiga

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Ivan came home with a bloody nose

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。

and his mother asked， "What happened?"

他妈妈问，“发生了什么事?”

"A kid bit me，" replied Ivan.”

一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

“再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问。

"I'd know him any where，" said Ivan.

“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。

"I have his ear in my pocket."

“他的耳朵还在

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Uncle Silas had lighted his pipe for a comfortable smoke，when Aunt Rebecca looked up from her knitting and said：“Silas，do you know that Sunday next will be the thirtieth anniversary of our wedding？”

“I swan，”said Silas，“is that so，and what about it？”

“Oh，nothing，”said Aunt Rebecca，“only thought may be we ought to kill them two Rhode Island Red chickens．”

“But，Rebecca，”said Unc

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The bus was crowded， and as one more man tried to get on， the passengers wouldn't let him aboard.

It is too crowded， they shouted. who do you think you are?

I am the driver. he said.

公共汽车上很挤，当又一个人还是试图上车时，乘客们不让他上。

车上太挤了，他们喊道，你以为你是谁？

我是司机！他说。

Once upon a time， there lived a rich man， but he didn't know any words.

One day， one of his friends wanted to borrow an ox from him， so he wrote a note and asked his servant to take it to this rich man.

After the servant gave the note to the rich man， he pretended to be reading it and after a while， he said， "OK， I know. Go and tell your master， I'll go myself shortly.

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Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning， Johnny， and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well， I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.

妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗？约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。

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OLD MUSICIANS never die， they just get played out

OLD MUSICIANS never die， they just go from bar to bar

OLD NUCLEAR pOWER pLANTS never die， they just go off-line

OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die， they just get disarrayed

OLD OWLS never die， they just don‘t give a hoot

OLD pACIFISTS never die， they just go to peaces

OLD pARADOXES never die， they just become en

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汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面，因此他在黑板上写道：“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。

一位学生看到这条通知后……

Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day， so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student， seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice， walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticin

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The English author，Richard Savage，was once living in London in great poverty．In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life，but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops，and Savage was living from hand tomouth．As a result of his lack of food he became very ill，butafter a time，owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him，he got well again．After a week

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Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing.

The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help.

The operator said calmly:"First， you should make sure that he is already dead."

Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end

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很多英语国家在漫长的历史中，广泛流传着很多经典的幽默小笑话。今天，小编为大家准备了两则经典的英语笑话，给大家来分享一下，希望大家开心一笑，一起来看看吧！

These Are My Jeans

After going on a diet，a woman felt really good about herself----especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago．

“Look，look．” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband．“I can wear my old jeans again．”

Her husba

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One day， the phone rang， and a little boy answered.

"May I speak to your parents? "

"They're busy. "

"Oh. Is anybody else there? "

"The police. "

"Can I speak to them?"

"They're busy. "

"Oh. Is anybody else there? "

"The firemen. "

"Can I speak to them? "

"They're busy. "

"So let me get this straight -- your parent

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Having been married a long time， my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary， we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted， "Honey， do you realize that we've been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?"

Putting down the newspaper， he looked straight at me and said， "So， you want to switch seats?"……

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When a group of women got on the car， every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep， and fearing he might miss his stop， he nudged（用肘轻推） him and said: "Wake up， sir!"

"I wasn't asleep，" the man answered.

"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."

"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crow

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A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

某人去朋友家拜访，发现朋友竟然在跟自家的狗下象棋，大为错愕。

He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

他旁观了一会儿，当时就震惊了。

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

“我简直不敢相信！”他大叫，“我从没见过那么聪明的狗！”

"Nah， he's not so smart，" the friend replied. "I&

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After being with her all evening， the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.

和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。

Earlier， he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.

他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。

When he returned to the table， he lowered his eyes， put on a grim expression and said， "I have some bad news. My gra

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The following is a true story.

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn‘t stop sucking his thumb， he‘d get fat.

Two weeks later， his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says， "Ah， ha！

I know what you‘ve been doing！”